Out of Bounds
Stay in your own lane.
Boundaries create physical and emotional space between you and others. They show people how you want to be treated~what’s okay with you and what’s not. Boundaries help you prioritize your own well being, conserve your emotional energy, and give space to grow.
Boundaries are essential in all relationships~with your parents, children, friends, bosses, co-workers, and so on. Without boundaries, you may feel suffocated, unable to express your true feelings. Boundaries protect you from being mistreated or taken advantage of because they communicate your needs and expectations.
A healthy relationship requires space to be yourself and to maintain your personal integrity. Most people will respect your boundaries when you explain what they are and will expect that you will do the same for them; it’s a two-way street. This is not so with people who don’t know how to communicate. They clearly feel entitled to get whatever they ask for, whatever they think they need, because their needs are more important than yours. This is where resentment can develop from being taken advantage of or not feeling appreciated. It’s a sign that we are pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty or someone else is imposing their expectations on us.
Unhealthy boundaries may exist when people refuse to listen to advice you have given them time and time again (like a broken record). OR with people who force their agenda upon you either in conversation or through social media. Be aware of people who think nothing of using social media in a passive aggressive way to ‘speak’ at you rather than speaking directly with you.
The more you resist their attempts to engage, the more obvious, desperate, angry, and insulting they may become as they try to get a rise out of you or make you feel guilty. Having a boundary prevents you from rescuing someone from the consequences of their destructive behavior that they need to experience in order to grow.
Remember that your emotions are valid. For this reason alone, you are not wrong for setting boundaries. You are taking care of yourself, which is something that we should all do. When boundaries have been weak there is backlash from the other person and you feel guilty. This is the time to get grounded with yourself. You will find the people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none. That was worth highlighting!
Boundaries can actually make relationships easier. We may feel guilty by saying ‘No’ to a friend or family member but this will stop us from feeling drained and/or suffocated by their relationship. Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. Can you think of a time when other people set boundaries for you?
It took me awhile to figure out that it is kind, NOT selfish or mean, to tell others how you want to be treated, what you need, and what you expect. It sounds easy but even when we understand the importance of boundaries, we don’t always know how to set them. One of the biggest reasons (for me anyway) is fear. Fear of disappointing others, fear of being mean, fear of being seen as selfish, fear of making someone mad. It is not wrong or mean to set boundaries. They are not meant to punish or control people.
I have a few Confetti 🎉 tactics when setting boundaries that have made my life better.
🎉🔹Be More Assertive. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and tune into what you need. You can then assertively ask others to treat you in ways that meet your needs. In all of this, I discovered that I have a tendency to concede rather than compromise (yep, a people-pleaser)…which is why we need boundaries. I have realized that I was saying ‘yes’ simply because I was feeling guilty and then I realized that wasn’t compromising…that was conceding. What an eye-opener. What I was doing involves losing so that the other person can win. It means to surrender something to another. Bottom line, I would have gained nothing by giving in. I’ve made sacrifices in the past in hopes of building a healthy relationship that incompasses gratitude, respect, and healthy communication (texting doesn’t count). But I can tell you from experience, that it doesn’t work unless BOTH parties are willing to be grateful and make compromises that are mutually beneficial.
🎉🔻Be Consistent. Being consistent in setting your boundaries leads to more predictability. Take a child for example. They will often test you on where you draw the line pushing you to the very edge of that boundary you have set. But if you’re consistent your expectations will be spelled out in advance and there will be no room for inconsistencies. If you let people take advantage of you, you feel angry and resentful. You feel mad for being passive, and letting others walk all over you. If you communicate your expectations (i.e. healthy boundaries) you are unlikely to build up anger. It’s also important to remember that setting boundaries KINDLY doesn’t ensure that others won’t get angry. You can never control how other people respond to your requests. Some will decide to stop all communication with you and not respond while others may post personal rants and attacks on their social media.
🎉🔸Bring Yourself a Sense of Peace. Boundaries provide a sense of peace/relief from needless energy spent beating yourself up and second guessing yourself. When I don’t set boundaries, it is easy for me to go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt and guilt. It feels good knowing that you are in charge of your choices. You don’t need to feel that you owe anyone anything more than what you want to give with your free and conscious heart. ❤️
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown